Time

Three years ago, Thanksgiving week was the absolute, hands down, no doubt worst week of my life.

In the span of four days I was told I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant without serious medical intervention and even that wasn’t a guarantee and then my parents separated. My life was forever changed. My family I’d had my entire life was no more. The family I had dreamed of with B was taken away from me.

I didn’t know it was possible for someone’s heart to be shattered in to that many pieces and to hurt that much.

Three years later my heart is still scared and there are moments that my heart hurts so much I can hardly breathe.

Getting pregnant, giving birth to and the last (almost) year with my son have done a lot to put my heart back together. But being D’s Momma and trying to make sure both Poppa and Grammy get to see and spend time with D during the week and especially during the holidays and this years of firsts has made me painfully aware of how much my parents’ separation has messed with me.

I have so much to be thankful for every single day and I am blessed beyond measure.

Three years ago I didn’t think B and I would be able to be parents. We are just over a week away from our son’s first birthday. omg. How is that even freaking possible?!

My parents are not divorced. They aren’t even legally separated. Three years later. Still.

I think this time of year is so hard for me because there has been no change in the status of my parents’ relationship. They are still technically married. There have been no steps (that I know of) to legally end their marriage.

There have been no steps toward a divorce or a reconciliation.

I know I’m just the kid and I have no idea the dynamics of their relationship then or now. I just know that for three years my three sisters ad I have been in limbo with no light at the end of the tunnel. All four of us have different thoughts and feelings on this whole mess. That’s been good for some sister relationships and detrimental to others. And I hate that. So much. So, so much.

They say time heals all wounds.

But it doesn’t make the scars go away.

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