Being a Grandchild of Divorce

Man Cub is now 4 and a half years old and is starting to realize that once upon a time Amma and Papa, my parents, were married.

Next month will be 2 years since their divorce was official and November will be 7 years since they split up.

He has never known my parents as married.

B’s parents are still married and he’s noticing a difference.

Add in my Dad’s girlfriend…who he calls by her first name, and the poor kid doesn’t know what to make of things.

I don’t ever want him to think that one day his parents will get divorced. Even if that is one of my super secret fears that rears up when the Anxiety Monster is around…

 

I’m really not sure what or how to say to D. I don’t know how to explain things to him in a way a 4 year old will understand, but not be confused or afraid it will happen to him.

The upside is that now everything is final and we’ve all (mostly) come to terms with all the emotional junk that came with being a married 20-something when my parents split up.

I make a conscience effort to spend time with all three sets of grandparents and try to make things as equal as I can. Even if my parents aren’t together and there’s a girlfriend in the picture, at least there is no shortage of people who love and care about my son. I just wish I knew how to help him understand without harping on the issue and bringing up my own baggage.

Sigh, yet again… I’m wishing there was an instruction book that came along with D when he was born.

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Gee…I never thought of that.

I’ve been on a bit of a social media hiatus.

There’s some crap going on in the family. I tweeted about how I was having all the feels, how it surprised me that I was having the feels and that I just needed to vent. And it bit me in the a-dollar-dollar.

Having all the feels and not feeling like I can talk to anyone without paying them to listen to me has seriously set my anxiety through the roof.

Sarcasm is my first language and my coping mechanism.

I can’t control my anxiety, but I can usually control my sarcasm. when my filter is working…

Trust me. I SO wish I could control the anxiety right now.

B and I are going on an anniversary getaway long weekend in a few weeks and I’m trying to figure out logistics for Man Cub.
We are extremely lucky to have all four grandparents locally.
But trying to figure things out with my habitually late, last minute family is driving me nucking futs. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I absolutely adore then and would be beyond lost without them.
But no one can push my buttons and drive me crazy like they can.

During MIL’s birthday lunch today our little vacay was brought up and MIL was naturally curious when Man Cub was going to be at her house. I told her I didn’t know and that I was working on it.
I wasn’t trying to be a beach. I really wasn’t, but my frustration must have been obvious.

As we were outside saying our goodbyes she kind of pulled me aside and said it was no big deal to her when Man Cub was at her house.
Then it happened.
She told me not to worry about it.
And I reacted.
Poorly.

I believe “Gee, I never thought of that. Just don’t worry about it. Problem solved!” was my exact response.

If I could just not think/worry about some of the shit going on right now, I would. Trust me. I wish it was that farking simple. I really do.

I’m sure things will eventually, last minute, work themselves out and all will be well.
But until then?
Please, for the love of dear, sweet baby Jesus, don’t tell me to just not think/worry about it.
Anxiety+Girl

Quick and Dirty Update…Not THAT Kind of Dirty!

Sooooooo it has been a hot minute since I’ve posted.

Bad, Lo, bad!

Just like everyone else, life got twisted, turned upside down and time just gets away from me.

And now I have the Fresh Prince  theme song stuck in my head…

Here’s the quick and dirty run down of what’s been going on at Casa de Vino.

  • B had some kind of crazy, fluke breathing issue that has still yet to be diagnosed. Despite two ER visits 6 hours apart, an overnight hospital stay, pulmonary function testing and multiple doctor appointments. We’re waiting on a June appointment with a specialist to see what and if the next steps are for a diagnosis.
  • B got a promotion! He is back to first shift after 6-ish months on 2nd. And not a moment too soon for me…
  • My schedule changed. I’m still working 20-ish hours a week in D’s daycare, but I’m now working back to back days leaving me with a 5 day weekend which is absolutely nothing to complain about!
  • D is growing like a weed. I cannot believe he will be 17 months old on Friday. Seriously. How the hello did that happen? He loves cars, trucks, anything that makes noise and everything to do with playing outside. He talks a lot… just not in English. Which I’m actually pretty worried about.
  • In related news, those mother effing Matchbox Cars hurt like a son of a beach when you step on them.
  • My house is still a mess, but not as much as it has been in the past. I’m making a conscious effort to make picking up the house each night and actually folding and putting away the laundry more of a priority. *Those damn Matchbox Cars were a large influencer of the nightly pick up. Seriously, ouch!*
  • Spring seems to have finally sprung here in Michigan and we’ve had some b-e-a-utiful, sunshine filled days recently. Hallelujah. Can ingest an amen?!
And that’s about it at Casa de Vino.
But just one more thing.
Because it’s still running through my head…
 

My apologies. I can’t get the clip to auto play from my dumb phone…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nCqRmx3Dnw

 
 
You’re welcome. 🙂
 

DIY Mommy Pick Me Up.

I’ve been feeling rather… blah lately.

The weather has been dreary, cold and super snowy in Michigan. For the last 6275682452 months…

Hubster has been working a 3-11:30pm 2nd shift for the last 6 months or so leaving me running solo 6 days a week.

Y’all, it is getting to me.

I’m feeling lonely, old, tired and more than a little frumpy.

It feels like my life and my house are just a hot mess.

The perfect storm of suck.

One night while I was browsing Pinterest in an attempt to stay awake long enough to see Hubs I came across a pin for a DIY shellac-esque manicure.

I love, LOVE, LOVE getting mani/pedis. Love it. But I can’t rationalize spending $50 every couple of weeks to getting my nails done. And I’m pretty sure an active, semi-destructive, climbing machine of a 15 month old wouldn’t exactly make the experience relaxing. And truthfully, as much as I absolutely adore my son, I spend 24/7 with D and there are days I need some me time.

This pin was amazing and I couldn’t wait to try it. I put D in the car and off to Sally Beauty Supply we went.

This Momma takes every opportunity I can to get out of the house!

Sally’s didn’t have one of the products I needed. I have been diligently calling Sally’s every Wednesday for the past month waiting to see if the out of stock, backordered had come in yet.

 

This morning I gave in to MIL’s incessant pleas request to spend a day with D to clean my out of control house and take a shower in peace. Oh a whim I decided to quick pop in to Sally’s to see if the last thing I needed was back in stock.

Miracle of miracles, they had it! (Cue Mommy happy dance!!!) I bought 2 bottles.

Nothing like the promise of some self-indulgent pampering to get my butt in gear to clean the house!

 

 

 

So long, 2013

There are only a few hours left of 2013. I keep seeing people posting on Facebook and Twitter about 2013 being the worst year ever. The last year may have sucked, but you are around to celebrate a new year full of possibility, wonder and no mistakes. Is life really that bad?

Looking back, 2013 has had some definite ups and downs, but I’m going to end 2013 and begin 2014 with a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat, my husband and our son. I really can’t complain.

I was only awake to ring in 2013 because there was a 3 week old baby who needed to eat.

I had no complaints about the new year until January 7th. Our less than one month old son went to the doctor because Momma didn’t think something was right to being admitted to the hospital with a medical issue requiring immediate surgery. D’s recovery didn’t go as well as hoped and we spent a few additional days in the hospital. It was bittersweet to celebrate D’s first month birthday with him in the hospital, but the day before he looked me in the eye and gave me his first genuine smile.  

In February B and I had our first date night out since D was born. I had one glass of wine and a serious case of the tipsy giggles.

March had me cursing Michigan and the never-ending winter. D had his first sleepover at Grammy’s. I had the barfs and B had no more patience. Thank God for grandparents who all live 20 minutes or less away and are all willing to take D when his parents need a break!

In April there was a bomb near the finish of the Boston Marathon and our nation banded together to support the victims of the bombing and to find the people responsible. April was a busy month developmentally for D. He started rolling over on his own, started cereal and learned how to take selfies!

May brought a serious heat wave and D figured out how to roll with purpose and loved rolling under the coffee table and getting stuck under there and was sitting up on his own for extended amounts of time.

June brought summer vacation and 3 whole months with D. At his 6 month check D has finally double his lowest pre-surgery weight. B’s grandfather passed away after a quick decline due to dementia. Four years passed since my last grandparent passed away. D graduated from physical therapy after a diagnosis of torticollis (muscles on one side of his neck were shorter than the other making it difficult for him to turn his head to the left).

In July B and I celebrated our 5 anniversary, D learned to crawl and almost immediately started pulling up on the furniture and trying to stand on his own. D also earned his first black eye. 🙂

August was insanely busy. In. Sane. In the span of 7 days my sister got married, D got his first teeth (after many a sleepless night) and B’s other grandpa passed away.

In September D started walking and got four more teeth. I got multiple emails advising me on the right time to lose my virginity. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! That ship has more than sailed…

In October I lost my job working in the local school system and I got a dream job working in D’s daycare. D discovered a love of veggies and decided sleeping through the night was a thing of the past. I missed taking pics of D in his absolutely adorable costume for his first Halloween when he threw up all over himself, his car seat and the backseat of my car on our way to go trick or treating. No photo proof, but definitely memorable! Not my proudest Mommy moment.

November and Thanksgiving brought around the last of D’s firsts. D got to meet his Auntie Rachel, my best friend from middle school who lives out of state. My bottomless pit of a son out ate me for the first, but probably not last time.

December. D’s birthday. D’s FIRST birthday. Be still my heart. His birthday comes a week after mine and 2 weeks before B’s Christmas Day birthday. We had a small family birthday party for D and he was is spoiled absolutely rotten!

I can’t believe my baby is a whole year old. Holy crap. This first year of his life and the entire year of 2013 have absolutely flown by!

Here’s hoping you and yours have an amazing, happy, healthy 2014!

 

Happy New Year from the Vinos!

Happy New Year from the Vinos!

That Lovin’ Feeling

When They whoever They are said having a child was one of the most difficult things in a marriage, They weren’t kidding.

I would not trade these past 5.5 months (?!?!?!?!?) being D’s Momma for anything, but between the sleep deprivation, feedings, diaper changes and all the other things adult, my patience has been low and my frustrations high.

And I’ve been taking it out on B.

Not that B is completely blameless in adding to or being a source my frustrations. But that doesn’t mean he deserves to be around someone in a shit mood.

B isn’t a mind reader. He can’t see the 945,215,279,531,452,754,274,651 things on my mental to-do list. He can’t possibly understand that I’m so. stinkin’. tired that I can’t even think about folding the laundry. Hey, it’s clean…what more does he want! Or that I’m constantly on the go- at work, taking care of D, going to various sporting events of B’s, trying to get/keep the house clean that I NEED those 30-60 minutes while he and D are in bed to decompress before I can even think about going to sleep.

He and I were snippy with each other and not communicating about what we need for and from each other.

We’d lost that lovin’ feeling.

After watching my parents’ marriage fall apart after years and years of less and less communication, I was scared. I didn’t want that same thing to happen to us. I didn’t want that to happen to D. Something needed to change. For the sake of my marriage, my sanity and my son.

I started by asking B to do things. I was direct, precise and specific in my requests instead of silent, resentful and hinting. Lo and behold, things got done! And best of all, I didn’t have to do them!

I make sure to let Brian know how incredibly appreciative I am of his help and it’s working! He’s helping out more, without me having to say anything, I’m less of a beach less stressed, we have more time together as a family and as a couple.

Things are definitely getting better between the two of us, but I know there’s room for improvement.

My house is still a mess.

There’s always laundry that needs to be washed, folded and/or put away.

Okay. How does one fold a fitted sheet without it looking like a balled up mess? 

I’m not taking the best care of myself. And my sister is getting married this summer. I need to get rid of this baby weight (and then some), like yesterday! 

I need more than 6 hours of sleep a night.

Finding that lovin’ feeling is definitely a step in the right direction.

But I still need to find that balance.

How do you keep that lovin’ feeling with/for your significant other and your sanity?

The Day I Became A Mom

Dearest D,

Today we’ve been home from the hospital for a whole week and you are a whopping 10 days old. Or at least you were when I first started writing this. You don’t leave me a whole lot of free time… It feels so much longer and so much shorter at the same time.

Sorry, Momma’s been slacking and hasn’t written down your birth story before now. But you’re too cute and slightly demanding. 🙂

The night before you were born was the last Saturday I was supposed to be pregnant before being induced the following Friday. I was planning on taking a taking a final picture each day of the week before you came.

Last Saturday pregnant
Last Saturday pregnant

Little did I know that this would be the last belly pic I would ever take of you. I went to bed Saturday night thinking it was just like any other Saturday night.

I woke up at 2:15am having to pee and feeling a little…weird. It took me a second to realize that my water was breaking.

Let me tell you, Little Man, that having your water break is absolutely nothing like the Hollywood makes it out to be! No one ever told me that once your water breaks, you continue to leak/occasionally gush fluid until the baby is born. Who knew! And thankfully your Dad strongly suggested I sit on a towel.

As soon as I knew what was going on I ran to the bathroom hollering holy shit!

Strangely enough, the same thing I said when I got  the first big fat positive. 🙂

Your Daddy woke up and started getting the last few things ready for the hospital bag while I called the doctor and he told me to go ahead and head to the hospital. After making sure I didn’t pee myself…

We packed up and got to the hospital about 3am and bypassed triage and headed straight to labor and delivery.

Our nurse, Pam, was hilarious. She had us laughing and joking around to distract us from the life changing event that was about to happen to us. She had us up and walking the halls and by 4am I had some pretty decent back contractions going on. Pam suggested the birthing ball for pain relief and to move you down.

Just a heads up…the birthing ball looks more like a pair of balls than an actual ball-for balance. Pam, Dad and I had plenty of laughs about how balls are what got us in the situation we were in. Sorry, your parents are incredibly immature. 

The birthing ball definitely worked. When Pam checked me she could actually feel your head! My contractions were definitely more intense. And ALL in my back. Pam said you were face up and having a hard time making it under my pelvic bone and that’s why everything was in my back. The ball and breathing weren’t cutting it and it was time for an epidural.

The anesthesiologist came in and despite his Big 10 Ohio State t-shirt Daddy let him in the room and he gave me an epidural. As die hard Notre Dame-ers we are NOT Big 10 fans. 

It didn’t work.

I tried to tough it out a little longer, but back labor is no joke and who-who-he wasn’t cutting it.

By this point Pam had gone home and we had a new nurse named Lori. Lori let me know that it was totally okay to ask for the anesthesiologist to come back and try again and that being in this much pain didn’t have to be part of the process if I didn’t want it to be and no one was going to judge me for asking for an epidural. Dr. Ohio State gave me another epidural.

It didn’t work.

Dr. Ohio State decided that the third time was the charm and to try again. I don’t know if it was in my head or out loud, but I remember asking God to make this one work and to provide me some relief. Daddy said the doctor was so focused on making the epidural work that he got half way through and started over again.

It didn’t work.

I’m sure time must have kept on ticking, but I honestly don’t remember much. I remember holding on to the bed rail as hard as I could and trying not to cry. I remember Grandma and Grandpa stopping by after church and Grandma’s ice cold hands feeling amazing as she brushed my hair out of my face and told me how she definitely thought you were going to have my lips based on the ultrasound picture I received earlier in the week.

I remember Daddy coming over and asking me what he could do to help and telling him I wasn’t sure I could do this much longer, that even when I wasn’t having a contraction, I could feel everything in my back and it felt like I was. Dad went into full on Daddy Mode and asked if he could push the button for the nurse. Lori came in and Daddy asked her what Plan B was, because this was NOT working and he couldn’t stand to see his wife in pain like I was in. He said if there was no Plan B, someone needed to come up with one right now because this wasn’t going to cut it any longer. Lori called in Baby Doctor who checked me and said I was still at 8cm.

I remember being 3cm and 5cm, but I don’t remember being 8…  

Baby Doctor said you weren’t going to be coming out on your own and he thought it was time for a c-section. He ran through the risks and Lori grabbed paperwork and got Daddy some super attractive paper scrubs. While Daddy changed Lori quizzed me on what Baby Doctor said some of risks of a c-section and had me sign the consent form. I know I wrote something, but I’m not positive it was my name I signed. I asked Baby Doctor how long it was going to be before I was wheeled back and he told us 30 minutes or less. I made sure to look at the clock and it was 1:10pm

I also remember thinking it sounded like a pizza was being delivered rather than a baby. 

I was wheeled into the operating room after running into no less than 2 walls/doors and I remember thinking it was incredibly bright. Lori helped me slide from the bed to the operating table, told me how fabulous I was doing, that I was going to get to meet you soon and held my hands as I breathed through contractions while Dr. Ohio State started attempting the spinal.

Truth be told, I was absolutely terrified the spinal wouldn’t take and I was have to be put under general anesthesia. Dr. Ohio State warned me that might need to happen if things didn’t work out the way he was hoping they would when he gave me his piece before I went in the OR. He held my hand and promised me he was going to do everything in his power to make sure the spinal worked and that he was incredibly sorry the epidurals didn’t take and that I was in pain.

After several attempts, the spinal FINALLY worked I cried and I was delightfully numb as the people in the operating room were counting instruments (which I found strangely comforting) and putting a big blue curtain up so I didn’t see anything. Baby Doctor came in with Daddy right behind. Daddy sat right behind me on my left side and I remember looking at him and thinking that this was the last moment it was going to be just the two of us, forever. And I cried.

Baby Doctor did his thing and I remember hearing your first cry. It was loud and strong and I was instantly smitten with you. I looked at your Daddy and started to cry. Yes, again. You were handed off to a nurse to be checked over, cleaned up and weighed. Daddy got to watch and take pictures. He even moved the curtain back to make sure I could see as much as I could of your first moments in the world.  Once she was done, the nurse bundled you up and brought you over so I could see and meet the tiny person that I’d felt moving  and growing inside of me. I gave you and kiss right on your chubby little cheek and cried some more. Surprise, surprise. The nurse gave you to your Daddy to hold for a few minutes. I remember looking over my shoulder and watching your Daddy fall in love with you as he looked in to the face of his son for the first time. I won’t say whether or not Daddy teared up, but I sure did! After a few minutes you, Daddy and the nurse went to wait for me in the recovery room while Baby Doctor finished up. Which seemed like forever. I wanted to be with my family.

Eventually I was wheeled into recovery and the first thing I saw was your Daddy holding you skin to skin. As soon as I was situated it was my turn to finally hold my sweet baby boy and bond with you. It was definitely heaven on earth. After an hour-ish as a family your grandmas came back to meet you and then Tia Melissa and Aunt Hannah got to meet you. Aunt Hannah was hilarious, the first thing she did when she came back to recovery was ask when she could hold you. She was the first person other than hospital staff and your parents to hold you! After a few hours in recovery we went to our room and Uncle Jeff and Grandpa C got to meet and hold you. Poppa W would have been there if he could have, but he was really sick with the flu and didn’t want to get any of us sick. 

When it was all said and done, you came in to the world 12/9/12 at 1:54pm weighing 8lbs 4oz and 20.5in long. D, your Daddy and I have fallen hopelessly in love with you and more and more each day. You are our precious miracle baby that we are loving getting to know. Despite the difficult delivery, the complicated pregnancy and heartbreak in getting pregnant, you are beyond worth it and I wouldn’t change you for the world. Thank you for choosing us to be your parents.

I love you to infinity and beyond,

Mom

Our first family picture!
Our first family picture!