Gee…I never thought of that.

I’ve been on a bit of a social media hiatus.

There’s some crap going on in the family. I tweeted about how I was having all the feels, how it surprised me that I was having the feels and that I just needed to vent. And it bit me in the a-dollar-dollar.

Having all the feels and not feeling like I can talk to anyone without paying them to listen to me has seriously set my anxiety through the roof.

Sarcasm is my first language and my coping mechanism.

I can’t control my anxiety, but I can usually control my sarcasm. when my filter is working…

Trust me. I SO wish I could control the anxiety right now.

B and I are going on an anniversary getaway long weekend in a few weeks and I’m trying to figure out logistics for Man Cub.
We are extremely lucky to have all four grandparents locally.
But trying to figure things out with my habitually late, last minute family is driving me nucking futs. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I absolutely adore then and would be beyond lost without them.
But no one can push my buttons and drive me crazy like they can.

During MIL’s birthday lunch today our little vacay was brought up and MIL was naturally curious when Man Cub was going to be at her house. I told her I didn’t know and that I was working on it.
I wasn’t trying to be a beach. I really wasn’t, but my frustration must have been obvious.

As we were outside saying our goodbyes she kind of pulled me aside and said it was no big deal to her when Man Cub was at her house.
Then it happened.
She told me not to worry about it.
And I reacted.
Poorly.

I believe “Gee, I never thought of that. Just don’t worry about it. Problem solved!” was my exact response.

If I could just not think/worry about some of the shit going on right now, I would. Trust me. I wish it was that farking simple. I really do.

I’m sure things will eventually, last minute, work themselves out and all will be well.
But until then?
Please, for the love of dear, sweet baby Jesus, don’t tell me to just not think/worry about it.
Anxiety+Girl

Advertisements

Quick and Dirty Update…Not THAT Kind of Dirty!

Sooooooo it has been a hot minute since I’ve posted.

Bad, Lo, bad!

Just like everyone else, life got twisted, turned upside down and time just gets away from me.

And now I have the Fresh Prince  theme song stuck in my head…

Here’s the quick and dirty run down of what’s been going on at Casa de Vino.

  • B had some kind of crazy, fluke breathing issue that has still yet to be diagnosed. Despite two ER visits 6 hours apart, an overnight hospital stay, pulmonary function testing and multiple doctor appointments. We’re waiting on a June appointment with a specialist to see what and if the next steps are for a diagnosis.
  • B got a promotion! He is back to first shift after 6-ish months on 2nd. And not a moment too soon for me…
  • My schedule changed. I’m still working 20-ish hours a week in D’s daycare, but I’m now working back to back days leaving me with a 5 day weekend which is absolutely nothing to complain about!
  • D is growing like a weed. I cannot believe he will be 17 months old on Friday. Seriously. How the hello did that happen? He loves cars, trucks, anything that makes noise and everything to do with playing outside. He talks a lot… just not in English. Which I’m actually pretty worried about.
  • In related news, those mother effing Matchbox Cars hurt like a son of a beach when you step on them.
  • My house is still a mess, but not as much as it has been in the past. I’m making a conscious effort to make picking up the house each night and actually folding and putting away the laundry more of a priority. *Those damn Matchbox Cars were a large influencer of the nightly pick up. Seriously, ouch!*
  • Spring seems to have finally sprung here in Michigan and we’ve had some b-e-a-utiful, sunshine filled days recently. Hallelujah. Can ingest an amen?!
And that’s about it at Casa de Vino.
But just one more thing.
Because it’s still running through my head…
 

My apologies. I can’t get the clip to auto play from my dumb phone…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nCqRmx3Dnw

 
 
You’re welcome. 🙂
 

DIY Mommy Pick Me Up.

I’ve been feeling rather… blah lately.

The weather has been dreary, cold and super snowy in Michigan. For the last 6275682452 months…

Hubster has been working a 3-11:30pm 2nd shift for the last 6 months or so leaving me running solo 6 days a week.

Y’all, it is getting to me.

I’m feeling lonely, old, tired and more than a little frumpy.

It feels like my life and my house are just a hot mess.

The perfect storm of suck.

One night while I was browsing Pinterest in an attempt to stay awake long enough to see Hubs I came across a pin for a DIY shellac-esque manicure.

I love, LOVE, LOVE getting mani/pedis. Love it. But I can’t rationalize spending $50 every couple of weeks to getting my nails done. And I’m pretty sure an active, semi-destructive, climbing machine of a 15 month old wouldn’t exactly make the experience relaxing. And truthfully, as much as I absolutely adore my son, I spend 24/7 with D and there are days I need some me time.

This pin was amazing and I couldn’t wait to try it. I put D in the car and off to Sally Beauty Supply we went.

This Momma takes every opportunity I can to get out of the house!

Sally’s didn’t have one of the products I needed. I have been diligently calling Sally’s every Wednesday for the past month waiting to see if the out of stock, backordered had come in yet.

 

This morning I gave in to MIL’s incessant pleas request to spend a day with D to clean my out of control house and take a shower in peace. Oh a whim I decided to quick pop in to Sally’s to see if the last thing I needed was back in stock.

Miracle of miracles, they had it! (Cue Mommy happy dance!!!) I bought 2 bottles.

Nothing like the promise of some self-indulgent pampering to get my butt in gear to clean the house!

 

 

 

So long, 2013

There are only a few hours left of 2013. I keep seeing people posting on Facebook and Twitter about 2013 being the worst year ever. The last year may have sucked, but you are around to celebrate a new year full of possibility, wonder and no mistakes. Is life really that bad?

Looking back, 2013 has had some definite ups and downs, but I’m going to end 2013 and begin 2014 with a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat, my husband and our son. I really can’t complain.

I was only awake to ring in 2013 because there was a 3 week old baby who needed to eat.

I had no complaints about the new year until January 7th. Our less than one month old son went to the doctor because Momma didn’t think something was right to being admitted to the hospital with a medical issue requiring immediate surgery. D’s recovery didn’t go as well as hoped and we spent a few additional days in the hospital. It was bittersweet to celebrate D’s first month birthday with him in the hospital, but the day before he looked me in the eye and gave me his first genuine smile.  

In February B and I had our first date night out since D was born. I had one glass of wine and a serious case of the tipsy giggles.

March had me cursing Michigan and the never-ending winter. D had his first sleepover at Grammy’s. I had the barfs and B had no more patience. Thank God for grandparents who all live 20 minutes or less away and are all willing to take D when his parents need a break!

In April there was a bomb near the finish of the Boston Marathon and our nation banded together to support the victims of the bombing and to find the people responsible. April was a busy month developmentally for D. He started rolling over on his own, started cereal and learned how to take selfies!

May brought a serious heat wave and D figured out how to roll with purpose and loved rolling under the coffee table and getting stuck under there and was sitting up on his own for extended amounts of time.

June brought summer vacation and 3 whole months with D. At his 6 month check D has finally double his lowest pre-surgery weight. B’s grandfather passed away after a quick decline due to dementia. Four years passed since my last grandparent passed away. D graduated from physical therapy after a diagnosis of torticollis (muscles on one side of his neck were shorter than the other making it difficult for him to turn his head to the left).

In July B and I celebrated our 5 anniversary, D learned to crawl and almost immediately started pulling up on the furniture and trying to stand on his own. D also earned his first black eye. 🙂

August was insanely busy. In. Sane. In the span of 7 days my sister got married, D got his first teeth (after many a sleepless night) and B’s other grandpa passed away.

In September D started walking and got four more teeth. I got multiple emails advising me on the right time to lose my virginity. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! That ship has more than sailed…

In October I lost my job working in the local school system and I got a dream job working in D’s daycare. D discovered a love of veggies and decided sleeping through the night was a thing of the past. I missed taking pics of D in his absolutely adorable costume for his first Halloween when he threw up all over himself, his car seat and the backseat of my car on our way to go trick or treating. No photo proof, but definitely memorable! Not my proudest Mommy moment.

November and Thanksgiving brought around the last of D’s firsts. D got to meet his Auntie Rachel, my best friend from middle school who lives out of state. My bottomless pit of a son out ate me for the first, but probably not last time.

December. D’s birthday. D’s FIRST birthday. Be still my heart. His birthday comes a week after mine and 2 weeks before B’s Christmas Day birthday. We had a small family birthday party for D and he was is spoiled absolutely rotten!

I can’t believe my baby is a whole year old. Holy crap. This first year of his life and the entire year of 2013 have absolutely flown by!

Here’s hoping you and yours have an amazing, happy, healthy 2014!

 

Happy New Year from the Vinos!

Happy New Year from the Vinos!

365 and Counting

Dear D,

Monday was your first birthday. An entire year of being your Momma. 365 days of mostly pure bliss.

You’ve grown up SO much in your first year. You’ve gone from completely dependent on your Momma and Daddy to becoming an independent little man who wants to do it all yourself. From not being able to support your own head to a whirling dervish of motion and energy. Your mentality seems to be why walk when you can run. You are an inquisitive little thing. Every drawer and cupboard needs to be explored. You get rather irritated with the things that have baby proofed latches on them. They’re on there for your own good, I promise.

This first year has had some ups and downs, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Your birth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. Totally worth it.

D, you have brought me more joy than I ever imagined possible. You’ve frustrated me to the near end of my patience, too. That’s when Daddy knows to take over.

I definitely haven’t been the perfect parent, but I promise I’m trying my hardest.

You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and I’m so incredibly lucky to be your Momma.

I love you to infinity and beyond.

Momma

Time

Three years ago, Thanksgiving week was the absolute, hands down, no doubt worst week of my life.

In the span of four days I was told I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant without serious medical intervention and even that wasn’t a guarantee and then my parents separated. My life was forever changed. My family I’d had my entire life was no more. The family I had dreamed of with B was taken away from me.

I didn’t know it was possible for someone’s heart to be shattered in to that many pieces and to hurt that much.

Three years later my heart is still scared and there are moments that my heart hurts so much I can hardly breathe.

Getting pregnant, giving birth to and the last (almost) year with my son have done a lot to put my heart back together. But being D’s Momma and trying to make sure both Poppa and Grammy get to see and spend time with D during the week and especially during the holidays and this years of firsts has made me painfully aware of how much my parents’ separation has messed with me.

I have so much to be thankful for every single day and I am blessed beyond measure.

Three years ago I didn’t think B and I would be able to be parents. We are just over a week away from our son’s first birthday. omg. How is that even freaking possible?!

My parents are not divorced. They aren’t even legally separated. Three years later. Still.

I think this time of year is so hard for me because there has been no change in the status of my parents’ relationship. They are still technically married. There have been no steps (that I know of) to legally end their marriage.

There have been no steps toward a divorce or a reconciliation.

I know I’m just the kid and I have no idea the dynamics of their relationship then or now. I just know that for three years my three sisters ad I have been in limbo with no light at the end of the tunnel. All four of us have different thoughts and feelings on this whole mess. That’s been good for some sister relationships and detrimental to others. And I hate that. So much. So, so much.

They say time heals all wounds.

But it doesn’t make the scars go away.

Holy ish! I blogged!

My poor corner of the blog-osphere has been incredibly neglected.

A lot has happened since August.

A new school year meant I went back to work

And special education budget cuts meant I didn’t have job anymore.

D went from crawling to attempting to stand with less than stellar results.

Giant goose egg to go with his mostly healed black eye from an earlier attempt at standing. Oh, D.

Giant goose egg to go with his mostly healed black eye from an earlier attempt at standing. Oh, D.

And then all of a sudden he was walking.

Then running.

I was applying to anywhere and everywhere to find a job.

D was still in daycare. We LOVE our daycare and didn’t want D to lose his spot. 

B was told he was going to be moved to 2nd shift.

I got the job offer of a lifetime. I now work 30 hours a week at D’s daycare. I’m basically a SAHM (stay at home mom) at someone else’s house with a few more kids. It is amazing and I love it.

Things are pretty great here at the Vino house.

But, I miss my husband.

B is scheduled to work 3-11:30p but he’s working an insane amount of mandatory overtime and not getting home until 1am or later. The pay raise and overtime are really nice, but I’m lonely.

I love D more than words can express, but I need some adult conversation after work.

I miss having a partner to help with the parenting and all the things that come with being grown up.

And?

I miss someone warming up my side of the bed at night!

But I don’t particularly miss B’s snoring!

Hope y’all are well and that Thanksgiving is full of food, family, laughter and love for you!

 

Lo.

 

Holy Emotional Weekend

The word for the weekend is emotional.

Friday I got to watch my sister get married.

Sunday we said goodbye to B’s grandpa.

Got the news that he passed away 10 minutes from home.

Two months after B’s other grandpa died.

Talk about emotional highs and lows.

I can’t handle anymore emotions this weekend.

August

I can’t believe it’s August already!

August 2013 is packed with awesome, amazing adventures. My mom’s birthday is this month and my youngest sister turns 18 oh. em. gee. 

AND

My sister finally gets married! It’s been a long, long 10 month engagement. I am over the moon that my sister is getting married and starting this adventure, but her OCD, Type A personality are not making being around her terribly joyous… 

I’m excited for August this year.

I’m hoping it’s different that August 2012.

I was in and out of the hospital most of the month.

During my second trimester of my wasn’t-supposed-to-happen pregnancy. The first time I was admitted for suspected appendicitis. I spent two nights on the surgical floor, just in case my appendix would rupture since my appendix was nowhere to be found on any of the imaging tests. I was discharged. It never ruptured. Thank goodness. But they never found it either.

I went back to work.

A week and a half later I was admitted again for extreme dehydration and nonstop ‘gastro issues’ after B found me passed out on the floor. I spent 5 days in the hospital trying to figure out what was causing my issues before it was determined I had an intestinal parasite and food poisoning. And was put on bed rest until the parasite was gone. D was born in December. It was March before my symptoms were under control enough to be released back to work.  

Neither of those are experiences I’d like to relive.

I really didn’t think August was going to be an issue. August 1st took my by surprise and all of a sudden I remembered being in the ER and being told that they thought I had appendicitis and being pregnant could post some interesting risks for removal. I had flashbacks to being in the back of the ambulance and terrified something was wrong with my son and willing the contractions (from being so dehydrated) to stop. I have never been so insanely scared in my entire life.

August last year was rough. Emotionally and physically.

August this year is full of joy and celebration.

And I need to focus on that.